With every new batch of campers, my cabinmate and I prayed for true understanding and wisdom. We have dealt with many heartbreaking situations that girls that young should never go through. But they do. At times, I felt unneeded or like my life struggles could never be used to help a camper. I truly began to feel second-rate compared to my cabinmate who always knew what to say to a girl struggling. For several weeks, our campers preferred to talk with her instead of me. I began to question my abilities and calling to even be a counselor at camp. Then, one night (our last night with the girls), a camper asked to talk to me. We sat out on the front porch and she began to describe situations in her life that I had dealt with 3 and 7 years ago! She began crying as she continued talking about how invisible, alone, unheard, and ignored she felt. I was BLOWN AWAY. I have journal entries from 3 years ago when I felt EXACTLY the same as this camper. It was as if I was talking with myself. The words that came from her mouth are written in that journal. I began to cry with her as I explained that I knew just how she was feeling. I pulled out my Bible and showed her Scriptures that I clung to in my time of struggle. The next morning, she ran to me and asked for those references. She had a smile on her face and told me that she felt comfort knowing she wasn't alone.
Now, I for one had NO idea the LORD would use me feeling friendless, unheard, and invisible at my school and in my home to reach a camper this summer. When I went through that time in my life, all I could see was my own plight. It truly never crossed my mind that the LORD could/would use it for anything. Ha ha. Silly me. God uses EVERYTHING to work together for our good (Romans 8:28). I saw it as such a dark and hopeless time in my life, but the LORD knew I needed to walk through that to help this girl who was feeling the same way. I have NEVER been more thankful to walk through a trial in my life! Now I understand what James was talking about in the first chapter of his book! "Consider it all joy my brothers whenever you experience various trials." Consider it all. Everything. All the bad, painful, hard, and exhausting. That camper helped to change my perspective on trials and helped me understand what James meant. Don't just look at your trials like I had done: poor miserable me. Look at the trials as a time of joy! Knowing that God is going to use them in some amazing, God way!
As for feeling second-rate. I have struggled with that for SO long. I'm not sure how many of you know this, but it is not easy growing up with a younger sister who is like Ende. The make-up perfectionist, the athlete (can beat your booty at any sport), crazy wise about all aspects of life, fearless, blonde, fit/trim, and a fashionista! She is absolutely amazing and I would never trade our relationship for anything. But, there have been countless times I've compared myself to her and been disappointed. Being the oldest, I felt entitled many times...entitled to the beauty, wisdom, skills. Again, silly me. I would be genuinely hurt when Ende was noticed first in social settings. I always felt like part of the background. I felt like everyone's second choice. Like the crumpled cookie that no one wants but there are no brownies left. (or something like that)
This summer, God changed my perspective about myself (something that is not easy mind you). The Sunday night before our first batch of campers, God began to rip away all the bitterness, anger, and frustration I had been letting wrap around my heart. I always thought I had let go of all those things. But boy was I wrong. It was a painful thing to let God tear them from my heart, but it was so liberating! I sat in tears as He continued to clean my heart. I began to wrestle with Him as He poked the hatred I had for myself. The lies I had always believed wrapped themselves tighter around my heart. I cried out louder with even more tears. Then, God's truth, like a gentle breeze, began to wash over me. "You are not junk. You are made in My image. You are worth My (the Creator of the universe) life because that is what I was willing to pay for you. I do not make worthless things." Over and over again those words washed over me. I felt myself letting go of all the pain and hatred. How could I call something ugly and worthless that God was willing to die for? Finally, after years of 'giving' God my bitterness, anger, hatred, and frustration, I was free of them all. I am not second-rate, no matter what people say. I was loved so much by the Creator of the universe that He died (really died) for me. That right there is proof that I am not junk. I am a worthy daughter of the Most High. I am paid for by the Creator of the universe.
If I've learned anything this summer, it's that camp is exhausting. But, God is amazing. He sustains, renews, cleans. This God I serve is faithful. He is a good Father who disciplines His children when they need it most. He knew I could not tell those girls how valued and loved they were if I did not believe it about myself first. His ways are good and true no matter how challenging!
