My future causes me to be excited and very anxious. Knowing that I will be bringing a child into this world in less than 5 months is a little unsettling. With every movement I feel, I realize more and more that this child is my very own...my responsibility. God knew of this moment before I was even a thought in my parents' minds. He knew I would be sitting on my couch 10 hours away from family and writing about my anxieties of this pregnancy. He knew that I needed a husband who would help me through this anxiety and who would be tough enough to let me be real with him. God knew it all. And the most relieving part is that He knows exactly what's going to happen in 5 months. He knows who this baby is and what this baby will accomplish in life. That calms me.
Anyone who knows me well knows that change and I are not the best of friends. I struggle to get on board with any and all changes. They can be small and barely affect me and I still gnash my teeth and fight them. The big ones...don't get me started. They debilitate me. I've never quite understood why I fight change so much. I am one who likes to have a plan and stick to it for sure, but I still love spontaneity! I guess I struggle so much with change because typically it affects all of my future plans as well. Instead of only having to change my plans for the day, I usually have to change every plan I have made to accommodate for the change. That's how I felt when Michael and I moved to Florida. Every plan I had for our first year of marriage, every exciting thing I had concocted, had to be changed and shifted. I was not happy about it. I didn't fight Michael on it, but I did allow myself to be depressed and not enjoy the little things of life anymore. It was hard for me to even smile.
Eventually I overcame that change! I think moving into our own place and getting to set up house helped a LOT! I could actually make a plan for how I wanted my house to look and I could execute it!
But, can I tell you, pregnancy is a little bit bigger of a change than moving across states? Not only is my physical, mental, and emotional state changing, but my relationship with Michael and my outlook on life! Now all of a sudden I have to do research on what the best stroller and carseats are and how to deal with round ligament pain. I have to buy bigger clothes (that I'll grow out of in a month and then just repeat the process). I have to be aware of what I'm eating and be sure to rest more.
Change.
I have experienced a roller coaster of emotions when it comes to being pregnant. I have felt joy, anger, uncontrollable happiness, sadness, fear, peace, contentment. I've cried out to the Lord asking why now when we seem most unprepared. I've been giddy walking through the baby section of any store we go to. My full range of emotions is always the sign that I am dealing with a big change. While this is the most exciting and miraculous change, it is the second biggest I have experienced (with marriage being the first). In less than a year I have gotten married, moved states, started a new job, moved into a new apartment, and have gotten pregnant. I do believe my change quota has been met for the next 10 years or so!
Now let me tell you about my awesome God! I am in awe of how tender and loving our God is. He has been so good to gently walk me through this life-altering experience. He has been a constant source of hope and provision. When I feel overwhelmed at the thought of having a child to raise, God has been quick to remind me that I'm not doing this alone! He is with me and He has equipped me with a dependable husband! Not only that, but I have the best mom and mother-in-law who are a phone call away to answer all of my ridiculous questions and listen to my rants about a new body part that's sore or hurting. When I step back and look at this change, I notice that I'm not as debilitated by it. I actually smile. I feel God so near to me in this season of my life. I marvel at His blessings every. single. day. I thank Him for each day I get to be mother to the little one growing inside me. I have committed this child to the Lord. I do so every night before bed. The only reason I can smile and not worry about being prepared financially, physically, mentally, or emotionally for this baby is because I serve a great and steadfast God who takes care of His children! I definitely feel His hand on my life.
I say all of this not to be unfeeling to those who have lost children, or to simply complain about pregnancy. I say this to simply be real about a struggle I have in my life and to point out how amazing God is at providing peace and comfort to the anxious and weary.
